I'm depressed and no words describe me more. The more I be myself, the more I get hurt. Did I just bury everything down below avoiding then to resurface? What can I do? I'm feeling very sick of life. I love her so much. I love my family. I love my friends. Everyone around me. But I do not love myself anymore for leading a life like this. I'm disappointed.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
And so, I dreamt of you again. Every moment we shared was the best moment of my life. Even if I am about to die tomorrow, I thank God for giving me this dream last night.
I love her but I can't tell her. People may say I'm suffering a form of obsession. But I know myself best. I love her.
The only way I could tell her was from my dream.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Damn who knew all the planes we flew
Good things we've been through
That I'll be standing right here
Talking to you about another path I
Know we loved to hit the road and laugh
For the love that existed, remained and embossed.
I love you Chua Pei Wen.
See you again.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Depression now has gone too far.
I love her very much. Losing someone in life is not the best thing around. But one tend to appreciate after the lost.
I remember the time when I was in Starbucks Chaweng Beach @ Samui. Writing her the last love letter, buying her the last present which was a cute pastel colored handbag that she love. Then went over to survey beach side restaurants for nice beach side candlelight dinner. The bag was passed on to the waiter in advance to allow the surprise during the dinner. It was my first and the last beach side candlelight dinner with her. I'm happy to see her receiving something she likes.
But, it was the past.
I've not contacted her since almost after the trip. My intention was really not to cut tie with her. I love her so much that I wanted to give her the freedom. The freedom to know others and the freedom to do things she did not do when she was with me.
But, I'm now stuck in depression.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
For the past years, on this very day of the Chinese lunar calendar, I will be at her place celebrating a tradition most Chinese practice in Malaysia especially the Chinese Hokkien community.
As an individual, I'm not a very religious person to be frank. But I do make wishes whenever I had the chance or when visiting Chinese temples. Birthday wishes were also part of them.
On this very day, we normally pray to the Jade emperor by giving offerings in return of good health and prosperity. People tend to make wishes either by praying or writing them down onto a paper lantern that will then set release to the sky.
For the past decade,y wishes were all the same. To marry her and start a family with her. Giving her a stable and peaceful life was all I wanted over the years of relationship.
Sadly, it never came through. Not anymore.
Tonight, sitting by the bedside alone, I can only wish for her health, career and happiness. Those are what matter most to me now.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Very often, I find myself like my father. The love of having babies and little children has always been in me. But yet, it never happen.
I've always plan to start a family with her. To have a very happy family and children wandering around the house. But now, I guess it will never happen. My love for her has always been here since day 1 and never faded. But it will just not come to a result that will be favorable to the both of us. I love her. Today and tomorrow. It is really sad that things did not worked out between us both. The family that I've been dreaming of will never exist. What is a hone without family.
I guess I will never have a family of my own.