My life now only starts into the night. When the day have no hope, I tend to rely on the night. Sleeping is just the beginning.
I've dreamt about her again and this time, she joined me and my family for two occasion where we were traveling. It's another dream I do not want to be awake. Like before, I just wish I can be asleep forever. Forever.
Dreaming for the next 50 years.
I love her so much. I love u Chua Pei Wen.
:|
Last night or rather this morning, I've only slept for 1.5 hours. Consequences of severe depression that lead to chronic insomnia. What have I been doing? The drive to Penang today was almost an endless journey requiring me to have stopped for two short naps. The drive overall took 5 hours today which I normally only take only 3.5 hours.
Back to this morning sleep, although it was a short 90 minutes sleep, it has brought some happiness in me. At the very least delusional happiness. At that very moment, I really wished that I do not need to wake up and continue wrapped in the delusional image of my mind. At least, it was far better than reality. I dreamt that she accepted me back. Something that will never happen in reality.
I've known for the fact that I exhibit strong symptoms of delusional disorder. Living alone in my newly house (which my plan to be OUR home) has further sink me deep into the delusional world of my own. I just love her too much. I've always believed love and obsession have very clear cut definition to keep them apart. It was just pure love.
I've seen her posting in Facebook over the past few weeks and I'm happy to see how much she is enjoying life without me attached. The true freedom of what most people called. But, nobody knows how much I suffer. Such painful suffering resulted to insomnia, depression, denial, and delusional disorder. I knew very Mich earlier that I will go through and stuck in this for the rest of my life. But, what can I do? I love her.
I still love her until today. And always.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost
Very often, victimization is the consequence from a negative impact, 'Apocalypse'. Has this changed my life? Have I accepted the fact of this fall? I may have accepted but some things have not change over time. My love for her. Whatever happened, whatever changes that I will face, the love has been there ever since day one. But its all just too late for her to know. She have decided. A decision that will change both our life.
I'm doing things I wouldn't have done in the past. I'm just not being myself. The ghost in me has surfaced. The road I would not have taken.
You can smile and pretend to everyone that you're happy... but deep inside is a strong feeling of sadness living within.
Jaymie Gassner
Days gone by so quickly. What have I been doing in this period of what I called as depression? What had I gained?
Clearly, I was the very least to being myself. I've been doing things I don't do. Drinking daily, strong attraction to negative influence and removing myself from the social circle of the others. Things have changed. I seriously do not know what am I doing.
Job wise, I've been doing the very least I can to call it a day. Job duty were delayed, communication broke down, procrastination, and not getting things done on time. I'm feeling very sorry for my colleagues and superior.
Leaving her was not my choice. Leaving her is a choice I had to make because I love her very much.
It has been a week since I last posted. Things had been happening in these past few days of uninformed. She was away from town for the weekend. I, was as usual in my lonely hut 16 floors above the sky. Yes, 16 floors, capable of suiciding to many.
I've been trying really hard to move on and changed to a better man as promised. But things weren't seem that easy. Many things or rather things I did not wish to happen happened during these missing days. I've now an official alcoholic, soon to be smoker and possibly addiction to sedative. Fortunately, no drugs involved, or rather, yet. Things has not been moving upwards as it seems like I've been trying to project myself to. Nobody knows.
Things happened for a reason. Today I've came to a point that I can no longer move on normally in life be it my social or love life. I've been loving her so much, something that she will not know. It has been exactly two months since I last faced her. Exactly a month before her birthday and now exactly a month after her birthday. The very moment when I took extra glimpse of her before leaving her shadow from her house that very night.
Yes, it was emotional but it was also something that I've expected to be truthful. She doesn't love me anymore. Not anymore. I'm very gladful now that she has all the freedom pursuing her love life she always wanted.
Buried. The term that defines my love now. Buried with memories and emotions. No more love it is. A stop into any love relationship for now, and forever. Love has dissapointed me.
The day I last love, 09/04/2014
Today as I walked passed the money changer near the ever buzy escalator in the lower ground of Mid Valley, fond memories went trough my mind again. During the recent months whenever we walked pass any money changer, she would stop me and look through the electronic board by the wall of these money changer. Checking rates from time to time. She has been keeping some Chinese Renminbi ever since her last vacation to China. Always wanted to change but always failed for whatsoever reasons. Maybe its me.
Mid Valley has many fond memories of ours. Although our first meeting was outside her school near the Segambut KTM station, Mid Valley's Tony Roma's steakhouse was our first date in conjunction with our first Valentines Day. Having being a couple for day one, I've brought her to have a blissful meal and a box of Leonidas fine chocolate. I must admit, it was an awkward moment at first. But I do really appreciate that innocent and naive love between us. Every moment since then has been engraved into the memory of mine.
