When she feels happier after the breakup, you then know you were the cause of her unhappiness. All you do now is miss.

Overshadowed

I was there when she was. A while ago, I so happened to drop by Publika to see the 1600 pandas that were on display at the concourse of the mall. I was there with my parents and sister.

In the midst of everyone walking pass, I felt that she was there. A place and occasion she would go. I've just gone crazy in that hour. I've scanned every girl in the mall to see if I really bump into her. From walking around the concourse to walking through the route to the toilet, I scanned each and every girl hoping to bump into her.

But somehow I had this feeling that I do not want her to see me. To see the man I am now. So much has changed. I've never felt happy in almost one year. From the day she left me.

In the end, I did not bump into her. But I realized she was there too from a post in Facebook. Somehow, my instinct was right. But I did not have the chance to meet her.

Depression has hit me for months and I realized it's too much to carry. Just too much and I'm feeling very tired. I love her. I just want to protect her. It's just that simple. But life did not treat me fairly. I was never meant to be the guy for her.

I'm depressed.

2015

So the start of 2015 was not as good as it should be.

The shadow and ghost of 2014 still haunt me and depression grows even greater. When u see a man like Robin William laughs, nobody expects such strong force of depression in him. Like many things, a book can't be judge by it's cover.

I still miss and love her from the day I first met her. It is really sad until today I still can't let go off her even after moving to a brand new year. I love her for the rest of my life. Very often, I feel very sad when I do see lovely couples getting married, seeing adorable young children with their parents complete as a whole family. My once dream of life is now shattered. I know I can never accept another girl to replace her.

Today, I've just realized all these while, I've never scold her before in the relationship. I've never ask much from her but tried to be by her side and protect her all the time. Of course I do admit that there are few occasions that I've failed. I deeply regretted but knowing her gave me the best 10 years of my life. But why does it need to end?

I am now nobody but someone who is buried deep down by depression. I love her. If one day I ever leave, I hope the love stays.

I don't know what I want. I'm not expecting to be back together because I know she doesn't love me anymore. I don't want her to be unhappy. But this will only mean that I will be continuing the way I am now for the rest of my life or at least until I leave.