The Better Guy But Not Quite So

Being her boyfriend for the past years was not just about having her by my side. It was very much into treating her the best and finding the balance of time to be well spent together. By saying so, I've tried many ways to provide her every amenities that she needed. I've also tried to find chance to get closer to her family while bringing her closer to mine too. I love her. It's just natural for me to do so.

Despite saying that, every man has a weakness. I've also not lived up to her expectation. There are several to say about this.

Being her boyfriend, I've also not done something to her that was against her will. I respect her. But to much of this avail, the better I do, the greater I fall. Today, she is no longer my girlfriend. But she will stay in my heart for the rest of my life.

I was just trying to be a good boyfriend.

The End of a Journey

We've gone through this far. Supporting you in the past 10 years has been a memorable journey that we both experienced so much that we could write a story of endless pages. The happy time, the down time, and even time when we were not together yet missing each another from a distance.

She has graduated and I had to step aside. I was supposed to be the happiest man for her graduation. Not that I'm not, but I m feeling very disappointed and sad for not being the man with her on this important day.

I miss her every moment and presence in my life. I love her. Yesterday was one of the happiest day in my life. It was also one of the saddest day in my life. Sometimes, I'm not just being stubborn and refuse to let go this feeling. But nobody understands. I love her. I still love her.

If I was weak, I would have already jump.

The Long Awaited

Dear,

The day has finally come. Her convocation day after for years of varsity days is held this weekend. She looks absolutely stunning in the graduation robe. Exactly what I could imagine years ago.

But I am nowhere to be there. This day was a very important day to me. To see her graduating, reaching a new milestone in life after all her hard work and all we've gone through from high school to pre-u then university. I was part of every of these phase in her life. But, I do not get to attend her convocation. Being the best day for her, it is also the hardest day for me.

While she doesn't want me to be part of her, I must admit that I still love her until today. Sometimes, things will never fade. Like this love. I guess she will never know but for me to bury this love together with me under the tombstone one fine day. Sadly, nothing can be done.

I kept dreaming about her. Last night, I had a series of dream about her. While I was in her home helping her family, she was out on a holiday. But I avoided her when she returns home. I know its not wise for her to face me. Something she will feel very uncomfortable.

But it's true that I can now only see the girl I love from afar. I can only imagine my future with her but not any other girls. Never was and never will. But all she may think at the end of the day is that I love her because I won't be able to get another girl. Well, her view will always stay with her. Little did she know that I've also avoided such intention from another girl during this period of time.

I love her.

With Regret,
Ray Phan

Where Rainbows End

"You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy."

                            Cecelia Ahern, Love, Rosie

I was on a premier screening of a novel adapted movie by the author Cecilia Ahern, 'Where Rainbows End'.

A gift for her knowing she loves novels from this particular author. But I didn't know the storyline until I watched the movie which probably abstracted most part from the novel. Overall it was a good movie with touching storyline yet somehow infused with comedy essence in several scenes.

I would want to message her to spare time to watch this movie knowing she loves the novel so much. But I know I am not in the situation to tell.

We do not know love until we lose it. All I can say, it's all a diversion to life now. The other end of the rainbow may not seem so colorful anymore.

The Meaning of Life

Times when you have neither a destination nor journey. Times when commitment is no longer meaningful. What do you get from a commitment? When you love someone so deeply only to know that you are nothing in this world.

A family means nothing anymore. Merely just a dream unreachable. The fantasy family I always had in mind with the girl I love. It's all in the mind.

Things could have been better before hand. But her decision to end this has put the greatest impact to life. I am nowhere now. Just lost. Lost in trust, commitment, time, love, hope and life. Just a total lost.

Good bless me. Please put an end. Life is now a downfall. :)

Tears of a Dream

It was the saddest I've ever had. The girl whom I love the most shed tears in me, both reality and dream. My love for her had been both strong in dream and reality too. It all started when......

I was walking her down the road from my parents' house on one normal night. It seems everything was fine. We stopped by the bus stop down the road and waited. Many cars and busses were passing by. That road never had been so busy.

A bus came recklessly towards us. And the next thing happened was the bus knocked her and she flew off falling down into a wide drainage by the roadside walkway. Somehow, I escaped from the crash.

I could not breathe in that moment after the crash. I quickly ran to her and saw she was badly injured with injuries at the head and arm. Her arm was bleeding nonstop. I tried moving her to a resting position while pressing on her arm to suppress further bleeding. I believe she was half conscious that time. I shouted to the public to dial for the ambulance.

The next thing that I know, we were home while she was on the need with untreated injuries. I do not know why are we home and neither do I know what took the ambulance so long. Many hours past, and I call her mom. Her mom answered. She started the conversation knowing that her daughter had already left me, advicing me to let go off the relationship. I then spoke and told her what happened hours ago and where her daughter is now. Then, it went silent.

I got back to her and she bleed much lesser than before. Still, the ambulance was nowhere to be seen. Now that I'm awake, I realized why did we not send her to hospital by car instead of waiting? That was just a dream. It doesn't require logic.

She opened her eyes and looked at me. My eyes were tearful and she seems very much stronger than I was. At that very moment, her condition seems better. The dream ended there, before the ambulance arrive.

Do you need a dream to make you realize how important a person is to you? Even if you realized, what can you do?

The Past

I do not know them anymore. Both the guy and the girl. They seemed really happy in the past but nothing lasts. Love? Happiness? None will last.

Life is like leaving on the street now. Nothing more to look forward to. Everyday just barely surviving to see tomorrow's sunlight. Where has the ambition gone to? The target of life?

In the past, I've always been looking forward to start a family with her. Shower them with the best I can provide. At least, there is something to look forward to everyday. There is an aim to save money and work harder from day to day. But now? What is life?

People say when you lose a tree, there is still a forest. Although I have lost her, my love will always be with that tree. Seven months passed and certain things have not changed.

Little did she realized that I'm already non-existence.