Anyway, today I held her hands while wandering on the roads. I admit that it was a force attempt by me. At that very moment, i'm no longer someone she always wanted to hold. I know. But I love her. Now, I do know that loving is a sin. Eventually, she will be someone else's wife and I still love her.
Life is full of depression.
Few hours back was the opening match of the FIFA World Cup 2014 between Brazil and Croatia. Guess what? I did not watch. This tournament does not mean anything to me anymore.
When life has to go through by yourself, nothing is to be passionate about. I'm just sad that my life this time around I will not have children or family. Everyone has only one life. But my life this time has gone so wrong that my dream to have a perfect family with children was merely a dream and not achievable. Living life alone is my only option.
Who to blame? Nobody. I just feel sad whenever I see young couples dining in a cafe with babies to take care of. This is something I will not be seeing myself in it and something I will envy for the rest of my life. I still love her by her shadows. One true love.
The railway station has been a place where many people meet and so the beginning of our story.
Today, I went to Kluang railway station for a glass of hot aromatic local blend coffee in the chill morning. As I take a sip, I mesmerized the moment that we once shared. The beginning of our story. We first met at a train station somewhere near her then school and home. I've set myself brave and approach her when she came with a friend of hers after the schooling session. The Segambut KTM station was the middle point of our meeting. It can be real funny when we look back the past noticing how naive we were and the look of her innocent face still embossed in my heart.
Today, my new home is also minutes away from the KTM station where we met and the only difference now is that I don't see her there anymore. But the memory of our first meet up. It was the beginning of our great love story and the journey we both had.
When I stood here today at the Kluang railway, I really hoped that she is still waiting for me at the other side of the track.
"Please know that I love you from the day we first met"
When the sun rises, it's all over. This is how I'm living now and the future to be.
I've just dreamt of her again. Going to her house, meeting her parents and aunts while spending some of the most quality time with her. Everything including faces and voices seem to be so fresh in my mind. It was a total happiness again to b sitting beside her, interacting like how we used to be. Then her aunt suggested that we see our new place that I've bought recently. Hence, we moved on.
But, why must the sun rises?
The only way for me to accept this parting is for me to me the baddest guy and realize I don't deserve her anymore.
Hence, I'm already in the realm of self-destruction. Kudos!
It has been almost four months and many do not know how much I am suffering. Neither do I want people to know.
I do admit I was not emotionally stable over the months. Many things happened and I was not myself anymore. The 'me' has now gone. So much of quarrel, and grieveness in between. I've just quarelled with my family. Although it was something I least or rather not expected, I wasn't being myself anymore. I do not know what will I be in the near future or the future ahead of now. But things just doesn't favor myself. It is not something I can control.
I've also been isolating myself. Friends and family are the closest to me but they are not me. I've always treated her as the person closest to me. The person whom I can trust most. But it all ended this way. What can I do now. Four months will pass. Time will not cure me. I love her from my heart.
Things seems to be going fine with her. She has been going to places we don't usually go in the past. She is moving on with life. I'm happy for that. I really wish her the best in life. Her happiness. Her future. But at the same time, I am greatly depressed. Just very depressing.
She has always made remarks that she can handle everything by herself and she is capable of doing things on her own. Words of these were often conveyed to me in a loudly manner. All the time, she thinks that I often look down on her and she must rely on me in everything. Why is that so? Why does she always think this way? I'm helping her with life is not because i think she cant handle stuff. But rather, I want to ease her life in certain ways. I do let her do things on her own. But everything that happened conveyed the wrong perception of my words and actions. Once again, I am depressed.
My emotional stability and depression has certainly affected in many ways. Both family and work. Ultimately, my life. Worst case scenario is that I will lose my job and depart from family and friends. I am greatly depressed. I've lost hope. I do not know what love is now.
The sad truth.
Everyday has a mood of it's own. Today's weather best represent my mood.
Yesterday was a big day. Hours before bedtime was a big relief. It was her VIVA yesterday. A day when most students go through at the very end of their university life. Finay year project presentation it is. I always had faith that she will present well and she did. Updates told me she handled the session well. It was a relief to her, and me.
One thing I've been very sad with was that I did not held long enough to see her graduating. Knowing her since her early schooling days, I've always dreaming of her graduating in every phase of education.
I've been to all her school supporting her by sending her home. Except the primary school. Skipping lunch to send her home was the best lunch time I could have last time. Packing her lunch and eating in the car. I know she enjoyed those moment. But it was the past. Nostalgic, faded and gone.
Seeing her graduating was the nearest future I can see how we can develope. But, with the greatest regret, I can only wish for her best. I love her more than ever.
