Life's a Mess

I'm depressed and no words describe me more. The more I be myself, the more I get hurt. Did I just bury everything down below avoiding then to resurface? What can I do? I'm feeling very sick of life. I love her so much. I love my family. I love my friends. Everyone around me. But I do not love myself anymore for leading a life like this. I'm disappointed.

How Can I Tell You?

And so, I dreamt of you again. Every moment we shared was the best moment of my life. Even if I am about to die tomorrow, I thank God for giving me this dream last night.

I love her but I can't tell her. People may say I'm suffering a form of obsession. But I know myself best. I love her.

The only way I could tell her was from my dream.

See You Again

Damn who knew all the planes we flew
Good things we've been through
That I'll be standing right here
Talking to you about another path I
Know we loved to hit the road and laugh

For the love that existed, remained and embossed.

I love you Chua Pei Wen.

See you again.

Depression

Depression now has gone too far.

I love her very much. Losing someone in life is not the best thing around. But one tend to appreciate after the lost.

I remember the time when I was in Starbucks Chaweng Beach @ Samui. Writing her the last love letter, buying her the last present which was a cute pastel colored handbag that she love. Then went over to survey beach side restaurants for nice beach side candlelight dinner. The bag was passed on to the waiter in advance to allow the surprise during the dinner. It was my first and the last beach side candlelight dinner with her. I'm happy to see her receiving something she likes.

But, it was the past.

I've not contacted her since almost after the trip. My intention was really not to cut tie with her. I love her so much that I wanted to give her the freedom. The freedom to know others and the freedom to do things she did not do when she was with me.

But, I'm now stuck in depression.

Empty Wishes

For the past years, on this very day of the Chinese lunar calendar, I will be at her place celebrating a tradition most Chinese practice in Malaysia especially the Chinese Hokkien community.

As an individual, I'm not a very religious person to be frank. But I do make wishes whenever I had the chance or when visiting Chinese temples. Birthday wishes were also part of them.

On this very day, we normally pray to the Jade emperor by giving offerings in return of good health and prosperity. People tend to make wishes either by praying or writing them down onto a paper lantern that will then set release to the sky.

For the past decade,y wishes were all the same. To marry her and start a family with her. Giving her a stable and peaceful life was all I wanted over the years of relationship.

Sadly, it never came through. Not anymore.

Tonight, sitting by the bedside alone, I can only wish for her health, career and happiness. Those are what matter most to me now.

Babies Boon

Very often, I find myself like my father. The love of having babies and little children has always been in me. But yet, it never happen.

I've always plan to start a family with her. To have a very happy family and children wandering around the house. But now, I guess it will never happen. My love for her has always been here since day 1 and never faded. But it will just not come to a result that will be favorable to the both of us. I love her. Today and tomorrow. It is really sad that things did not worked out between us both. The family that I've been dreaming of will never exist. What is a hone without family.

I guess I will never have a family of my own.

When she feels happier after the breakup, you then know you were the cause of her unhappiness. All you do now is miss.

Overshadowed

I was there when she was. A while ago, I so happened to drop by Publika to see the 1600 pandas that were on display at the concourse of the mall. I was there with my parents and sister.

In the midst of everyone walking pass, I felt that she was there. A place and occasion she would go. I've just gone crazy in that hour. I've scanned every girl in the mall to see if I really bump into her. From walking around the concourse to walking through the route to the toilet, I scanned each and every girl hoping to bump into her.

But somehow I had this feeling that I do not want her to see me. To see the man I am now. So much has changed. I've never felt happy in almost one year. From the day she left me.

In the end, I did not bump into her. But I realized she was there too from a post in Facebook. Somehow, my instinct was right. But I did not have the chance to meet her.

Depression has hit me for months and I realized it's too much to carry. Just too much and I'm feeling very tired. I love her. I just want to protect her. It's just that simple. But life did not treat me fairly. I was never meant to be the guy for her.

I'm depressed.

2015

So the start of 2015 was not as good as it should be.

The shadow and ghost of 2014 still haunt me and depression grows even greater. When u see a man like Robin William laughs, nobody expects such strong force of depression in him. Like many things, a book can't be judge by it's cover.

I still miss and love her from the day I first met her. It is really sad until today I still can't let go off her even after moving to a brand new year. I love her for the rest of my life. Very often, I feel very sad when I do see lovely couples getting married, seeing adorable young children with their parents complete as a whole family. My once dream of life is now shattered. I know I can never accept another girl to replace her.

Today, I've just realized all these while, I've never scold her before in the relationship. I've never ask much from her but tried to be by her side and protect her all the time. Of course I do admit that there are few occasions that I've failed. I deeply regretted but knowing her gave me the best 10 years of my life. But why does it need to end?

I am now nobody but someone who is buried deep down by depression. I love her. If one day I ever leave, I hope the love stays.

I don't know what I want. I'm not expecting to be back together because I know she doesn't love me anymore. I don't want her to be unhappy. But this will only mean that I will be continuing the way I am now for the rest of my life or at least until I leave.