Penang, A Year Ago

Penang, the island of much memories. I've been to Penang countless time over the past years. Mostly alone but I do have several time I came with companions.

This time, my work involved a project based in Balik Pulau. I travel back and forth from Georgetown to Balik Pulau everyday. Everyday passing by the Air Itam route gave me memories. I have to admit, I was deeply sadden that it can only remain as memories and nothing can be done to reproduce it.

I've came here with both my beloved woman and family on separate occasions. We went to Balik Pulau for laksa and went also durian midway. The view from the durian stalls overlooking the flat land below and sea was simply magnificent put together her company that time. I will not forget that moment and it will only resurface every time I come penang.

This time in Penang, I am staying at Amernian Suite. In front this boutique hotel is a place I was with her last year. We came to find the infamous "minion" street pole then. It's at a valley directly opposite the place I'm staying. Next to it was a stall selling flavored ice ball that I once purchased for her before boarding the ferry back to mainland Malaysia.

Everything was so clear in my mind and it was as though as it has been engraved in my brain. I miss her. Why do she wants to end moment like this?

If it wasn't the end, I have plan to marry her by next year end. And here I thought my planning was thoughtful enough but apparently not. I am suffering deeply from day one till now. I really miss her. I love her.

Forever Alone As She Always Hinted Me

I'm now living in a world of my own. People call this stubbornness. Others call it stupidity. Some call it faithfulness. So what do you think it is?

I still love her. Today and forever. What have I done? Being a gentleman is not good enough? Being a guy who doesn't force her for self interest is not good enough? To love her more than myself is not good enough? To plan out life in advance is not good enough? She did love me and I believe she really did. But now she doesn't. How does it even matter now? She has left me.

To be honest, I'm not the worst guy out there. I do find myself above average as a companion if not the best. But somehow, relationship is not just commitment and complementing each and other. Very often, the feeling of love masked the entire relationship. No matter how good a person is, if she doesn't love you anymore, it's the end. I've came to realize this but realizing is a thing from escaping it.

The fact is that I still love her very much. I will just fall deeper into the realm of self illusion as the days pass..

The Deep Fall

Today, I've discovered a big mistake that I've made in work back in Dec 2013. Two years passed and there isn't anything I can do now. Evidence seems to prove me in wrong and I've to admit that it was very likely my mistake back then.

I'm at the lowest point of my career and i have nothing to hold on now. Nothing in me can change anything now. I just feel like giving up life. What can I do?

I needed you at this very moment. I hope to have you to be by my side like how we used to be. But things have changed. I am getting weaker day by day. It is hard now. Is this how far I can reach in life?

The Cruise of Life

Today when I'm writing this, the days of cruise has just passed. There was no network signal on international water as expected.

The cruise was just ordinary. One thing I do enjoy was puffing on the windy top deck of the cruise looking over the Andaman sea. Having to say that, it was a pure bliss that I don't experience it in kl.

Getting down at Phuket and Krabi however gave me flashback the time when I was in Koh Samui with her. Like I said before, the trip to Koh Samui was supposingly to be a pre-wedding trip with her in order to have better photoshoots to be displayed

There was a couple game on the last night of the cruise. It was funny yet sensitive for me. Three couples were supposed to answer 5 questions with their answers match to their respective spouse. Among the questions were like, when and where you first met? When was your first date? These questions ran across my mind and dug out a significant portion of my memory. I do remember we met at the train station for the very first time. Our first date was at Mid Valley in Tony Roma's to celebrate Valentine's day.

I still miss her regardless of what she thinks. I've became the worst of myself recently and will continue to fall even deeper knowing the path I'm taking now.

False Alarm

Today when I woke up to the sunrise, I knew the hours before were fake.

It was a party? House warming? Chinese new year house visit? I'm not too sure. But it was the time when I was with her. I do remember her 3rd aunt was somewhere in the picture too. I miss her. As I was busy with something which I don't remember so well, I managed to approach her. I held her arms and soft hands while she responded by leaning on me. It was exactly how it was like before. I can feel that she loves me so much and without any doubt, I gave her the impression that I do love her more than ever. Which I really do.

Sometimes sunrise isn't a gifted power of nature given that it marks the end of my happy moments. Whether it is real or fake, if doesn't really matter anymore. My life is now bad enough. A false happiness will certainly help.

The Better Guy But Not Quite So

Being her boyfriend for the past years was not just about having her by my side. It was very much into treating her the best and finding the balance of time to be well spent together. By saying so, I've tried many ways to provide her every amenities that she needed. I've also tried to find chance to get closer to her family while bringing her closer to mine too. I love her. It's just natural for me to do so.

Despite saying that, every man has a weakness. I've also not lived up to her expectation. There are several to say about this.

Being her boyfriend, I've also not done something to her that was against her will. I respect her. But to much of this avail, the better I do, the greater I fall. Today, she is no longer my girlfriend. But she will stay in my heart for the rest of my life.

I was just trying to be a good boyfriend.

The End of a Journey

We've gone through this far. Supporting you in the past 10 years has been a memorable journey that we both experienced so much that we could write a story of endless pages. The happy time, the down time, and even time when we were not together yet missing each another from a distance.

She has graduated and I had to step aside. I was supposed to be the happiest man for her graduation. Not that I'm not, but I m feeling very disappointed and sad for not being the man with her on this important day.

I miss her every moment and presence in my life. I love her. Yesterday was one of the happiest day in my life. It was also one of the saddest day in my life. Sometimes, I'm not just being stubborn and refuse to let go this feeling. But nobody understands. I love her. I still love her.

If I was weak, I would have already jump.

The Long Awaited

Dear,

The day has finally come. Her convocation day after for years of varsity days is held this weekend. She looks absolutely stunning in the graduation robe. Exactly what I could imagine years ago.

But I am nowhere to be there. This day was a very important day to me. To see her graduating, reaching a new milestone in life after all her hard work and all we've gone through from high school to pre-u then university. I was part of every of these phase in her life. But, I do not get to attend her convocation. Being the best day for her, it is also the hardest day for me.

While she doesn't want me to be part of her, I must admit that I still love her until today. Sometimes, things will never fade. Like this love. I guess she will never know but for me to bury this love together with me under the tombstone one fine day. Sadly, nothing can be done.

I kept dreaming about her. Last night, I had a series of dream about her. While I was in her home helping her family, she was out on a holiday. But I avoided her when she returns home. I know its not wise for her to face me. Something she will feel very uncomfortable.

But it's true that I can now only see the girl I love from afar. I can only imagine my future with her but not any other girls. Never was and never will. But all she may think at the end of the day is that I love her because I won't be able to get another girl. Well, her view will always stay with her. Little did she know that I've also avoided such intention from another girl during this period of time.

I love her.

With Regret,
Ray Phan

Where Rainbows End

"You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy."

                            Cecelia Ahern, Love, Rosie

I was on a premier screening of a novel adapted movie by the author Cecilia Ahern, 'Where Rainbows End'.

A gift for her knowing she loves novels from this particular author. But I didn't know the storyline until I watched the movie which probably abstracted most part from the novel. Overall it was a good movie with touching storyline yet somehow infused with comedy essence in several scenes.

I would want to message her to spare time to watch this movie knowing she loves the novel so much. But I know I am not in the situation to tell.

We do not know love until we lose it. All I can say, it's all a diversion to life now. The other end of the rainbow may not seem so colorful anymore.

The Meaning of Life

Times when you have neither a destination nor journey. Times when commitment is no longer meaningful. What do you get from a commitment? When you love someone so deeply only to know that you are nothing in this world.

A family means nothing anymore. Merely just a dream unreachable. The fantasy family I always had in mind with the girl I love. It's all in the mind.

Things could have been better before hand. But her decision to end this has put the greatest impact to life. I am nowhere now. Just lost. Lost in trust, commitment, time, love, hope and life. Just a total lost.

Good bless me. Please put an end. Life is now a downfall. :)

Tears of a Dream

It was the saddest I've ever had. The girl whom I love the most shed tears in me, both reality and dream. My love for her had been both strong in dream and reality too. It all started when......

I was walking her down the road from my parents' house on one normal night. It seems everything was fine. We stopped by the bus stop down the road and waited. Many cars and busses were passing by. That road never had been so busy.

A bus came recklessly towards us. And the next thing happened was the bus knocked her and she flew off falling down into a wide drainage by the roadside walkway. Somehow, I escaped from the crash.

I could not breathe in that moment after the crash. I quickly ran to her and saw she was badly injured with injuries at the head and arm. Her arm was bleeding nonstop. I tried moving her to a resting position while pressing on her arm to suppress further bleeding. I believe she was half conscious that time. I shouted to the public to dial for the ambulance.

The next thing that I know, we were home while she was on the need with untreated injuries. I do not know why are we home and neither do I know what took the ambulance so long. Many hours past, and I call her mom. Her mom answered. She started the conversation knowing that her daughter had already left me, advicing me to let go off the relationship. I then spoke and told her what happened hours ago and where her daughter is now. Then, it went silent.

I got back to her and she bleed much lesser than before. Still, the ambulance was nowhere to be seen. Now that I'm awake, I realized why did we not send her to hospital by car instead of waiting? That was just a dream. It doesn't require logic.

She opened her eyes and looked at me. My eyes were tearful and she seems very much stronger than I was. At that very moment, her condition seems better. The dream ended there, before the ambulance arrive.

Do you need a dream to make you realize how important a person is to you? Even if you realized, what can you do?

The Past

I do not know them anymore. Both the guy and the girl. They seemed really happy in the past but nothing lasts. Love? Happiness? None will last.

Life is like leaving on the street now. Nothing more to look forward to. Everyday just barely surviving to see tomorrow's sunlight. Where has the ambition gone to? The target of life?

In the past, I've always been looking forward to start a family with her. Shower them with the best I can provide. At least, there is something to look forward to everyday. There is an aim to save money and work harder from day to day. But now? What is life?

People say when you lose a tree, there is still a forest. Although I have lost her, my love will always be with that tree. Seven months passed and certain things have not changed.

Little did she realized that I'm already non-existence.

Temperament is Nothing

When she does not know how I feel, she won't know how am I. I drink now like almost every night I've gone through the past six months. What did she realized about me? One weak guy who can't let go of past love.

Great. That's what I would wish her to think. To think that I'm a useless guy so that I can fall further deeper down the well while she realized I'm a useless guy and find another guy. Her happiness is my priority no matter what am I.

My last words here, I wish her all the best. Nothing can change the fact now. She doesn't love me anymore and I had to leave. Goodbye. I love you Sweetheart.

Indefinite

How long must I be like this?

Goodbye

Today was the start of the end. A sacrifice I decided that I will bear regardless of whatever happens in future. I've disabled Facebook and Instagram. Which also means i will no longer have access to these. What's next? WhatsApp?

Nobody really knows how hurt I was throughout these six months. Acting is just tiring. I love her so much but situation had ended this way. With full respect to her, I'm withdrawing myself from her world. The world I once stood with her for almost half my life.

To complete her resume today before passing to her was simply a moment of recalling our past. The yester-years of her education and work experience. I will no longer be the guy who will be fetching her home from school, office or anywhere. Remembering the past, she was the first girl who sat in my car when I was excited on the first day receiving my first car.

Well, everything has an end. So does the story of us both. I miss her. I love her always and forever. Goodbye dear.

I love you Chua Pei Wen.
hwphan.

Bon Jovi - Thank You For Loving Me: http://youtu.be/_9wKi1keg8g

Koh Samui With Love

Anyway, today I held her hands while wandering on the roads. I admit that it was a force attempt by me. At that very moment, i'm no longer someone she always wanted to hold. I know. But I love her. Now, I do know that loving is a sin. Eventually, she will be someone else's wife and I still love her.

Life is full of depression.

A Big No.

One phrase.

Parenthood, is something I can never achieve. :)

One Man Show

Few hours back was the opening match of the FIFA World Cup 2014 between Brazil and Croatia. Guess what? I did not watch. This tournament does not mean anything to me anymore.

When life has to go through by yourself, nothing is to be passionate about. I'm just sad that my life this time around I will not have children or family. Everyone has only one life. But my life this time has gone so wrong that my dream to have a perfect family with children was merely a dream and not achievable. Living life alone is my only option.

Who to blame? Nobody. I just feel sad whenever I see young couples dining in a cafe with babies to take care of. This is something I will not be seeing myself in it and something I will envy for the rest of my life. I still love her by her shadows. One true love.

The Railway Station

The railway station has been a place where many people meet and so the beginning of our story.

Today, I went to Kluang railway station for a glass of hot aromatic local blend coffee in the chill morning. As I take a sip, I mesmerized the moment that we once shared. The beginning of our story. We first met at a train station somewhere near her then school and home. I've set myself brave and approach her when she came with a friend of hers after the schooling session. The Segambut KTM station was the middle point of our meeting. It can be real funny when we look back the past noticing how naive we were and the look of her innocent face still embossed in my heart.

Today, my new home is also minutes away from the KTM station where we met and the only difference now is that I don't see her there anymore. But the memory of our first meet up. It was the beginning of our great love story and the journey we both had.

When I stood here today at the Kluang railway, I really hoped that she is still waiting for me at the other side of the track.

"Please know that I love you from the day we first met"

The Realm of Illusion

When the sun rises, it's all over. This is how I'm living now and the future to be.

I've just dreamt of her again. Going to her house, meeting her parents and aunts while spending some of the most quality time with her. Everything including faces and voices seem to be so fresh in my mind. It was a total happiness again to b sitting beside her, interacting like how we used to be. Then her aunt suggested that we see our new place that I've bought recently. Hence, we moved on.

But, why must the sun rises?

The only way for me to accept this parting is for me to me the baddest guy and realize I don't deserve her anymore.

Hence, I'm already in the realm of self-destruction. Kudos!

Suffering in the Deep

It has been almost four months and many do not know how much I am suffering. Neither do I want people to know.

I do admit I was not emotionally stable over the months. Many things happened and I was not myself anymore. The 'me' has now gone. So much of quarrel, and grieveness in between. I've just quarelled with my family. Although it was something I least or rather not expected, I wasn't being myself anymore. I do not know what will I be in the near future or the future ahead of now. But things just doesn't favor myself. It is not something I can control.

I've also been isolating myself. Friends and family are the closest to me but they are not me. I've always treated her as the person closest to me. The person whom I can trust most. But it all ended this way. What can I do now. Four months will pass. Time will not cure me. I love her from my heart.

Things seems to be going fine with her. She has been going to places we don't usually go in the past. She is moving on with life. I'm happy for that. I really wish her the best in life. Her happiness. Her future. But at the same time, I am greatly depressed. Just very depressing.

She has always made remarks that she can handle everything by herself and she is capable of doing things on her own. Words of these were often conveyed to me in a loudly manner. All the time, she thinks that I often look down on her and she must rely on me in everything. Why is that so? Why does she always think this way? I'm helping her with life is not because i think she cant handle stuff. But rather, I want to ease her life in certain ways. I do let her do things on her own. But everything that happened conveyed the wrong perception of my words and actions. Once again, I am depressed.

My emotional stability and depression has certainly affected in many ways. Both family and work. Ultimately, my life. Worst case scenario is that I will lose my job and depart from family and friends. I am greatly depressed. I've lost hope. I do not know what love is now.

The sad truth.

Viva Forever

Everyday has a mood of it's own. Today's weather best represent my mood.

Yesterday was a big day. Hours before bedtime was a big relief. It was her VIVA yesterday. A day when most students go through at the very end of their university life. Finay year project presentation it is. I always had faith that she will present well and she did. Updates told me she handled the session well. It was a relief to her, and me.

One thing I've been very sad with was that I did not held long enough to see her graduating. Knowing her since her early schooling days, I've always dreaming of her graduating in every phase of education.

I've been to all her school supporting her by sending her home. Except the primary school. Skipping lunch to send her home was the best lunch time I could have last time. Packing her lunch and eating in the car. I know she enjoyed those moment. But it was the past. Nostalgic, faded and gone.

Seeing her graduating was the nearest future I can see how we can develope. But, with the greatest regret, I can only wish for her best. I love her more than ever.

A Hope Lost, One New Wish

Naive, I would think I am.

My perception of love is just simple. Loving someone from the bottom of the heart is what I've always believed. I've always mentioned that I will be her guardian angel. But how much does she felt that from me?

Today, as I switched on the television, a drama was airing featuring a Triangel. A guardian of love originated from Rome, Italy that tells a legendary love story. I bought the Triangel simply to guard our love. An icon of our love. Just call me naive if you wish too. I've no more ego to deny such action.

Somehow the handmade doll was crafted to have an expression of innocence and insecurity. A doll that can convey my love to her. But, fairy tales do not exist.

I've passed the Triangel to her for Valentine's 2014 with a picture of us taken in Grand Dorsett hotel on Valentine's 2013. But it never came back with the owner.

Triangel is often passed on to person in need of love. A symbol to find our secure love. At the state as it is now, Triangel is better with her. I've seriously lost hope in love and Triangel will do nothing to me. Letting it go also means that I do hope the best for her love life.

No more love in this world. Question whether I can recover from this? I believe it's a no. Not everyone's life is the same. I've chosen this path. The rest of my life is a living in disguise.

Guard and protect her love. My only wish to you, Triangel.

Days at the Eastern Coast

When people say the sun rises at the East, it is not always true. Today, the sun did not rise, or at least here in Kuantan.

My first Malay Peninsular East Coast getaway with her was in Kuantan. I was on a business trip while she followed her dad and sister who so happened to be there for work too. It was a coincidence of working schedule here in Kuantan.

I remember every moment of her being here with me when I checked them in to Vistana Hotel of Kuantan. From dinner at a local foodcourt to a stroll along the beach of Teluk Cempedak. Everything happened during a short period of time but was very much appreciated by me at that very moment. At least, I know.

Today, weather in Kuantan has been a gloomy one. It is as if the mother nature is mourning the loss of someone or something. Things have changed and will never return to its glory days. The moment and joy we had that she had forgotten. Or rather, she has chose to forget.

Obsession, Sentimental or NO?

She has always ran through my mind without fail although a quarter of a year had gone by. From time to time, questions like "Why do I still think about her?", "Why can't I just let her go?" pop up from my mind in response to end the suffering and state of denial that I am currently facing. Was it because of my obsession towards her? or Was it because it was merely a sentimental 7 years memory that must be kept?

When these questions came by, I do realize that the answer was very simple. I love her 101% from the deep of my heart. I came to realized that love is not comparable to obsession. The nostalgic moments we went through was part of the process of two love birds together. It was a journey.

Hence, I was very sure to say that I love her and that's the only reason I am not forgetting her. The love of my life. How do men live when the heart is gone?

The Bell of My Dream

She has accepted my proposal. I am so happy that I've been the chosen one. The guy taking care of her and protect her. Although busy, but we do enjoy the process of getting plans ready for the big day. It was a dream come true for the both of us.

Then, I've also bought a new car. Taking the car round and round the neighbourhood with her and family members in the newly bought car. It was a Proton Preve. Don't ask me why Proton. But nevertheless, the happiness during that moment was the peak of my life. I've felt that everything was with me. Very importantly, I have her. The girl that I've so committed in love and care.

BUT, it was merely a dream. Waking up to a moody morning, I stared to the mirror across my bed. She has left me. Me wanting to express words from the bottom of my heart, has now no chance and months too late.

I miss her.
I love her.

The one and only I love.

The Night Life

My life now only starts into the night. When the day have no hope, I tend to rely on the night. Sleeping is just the beginning.

I've dreamt about her again and this time, she joined me and my family for two occasion where we were traveling. It's another dream I do not want to be awake. Like before, I just wish I can be asleep forever. Forever.

Dreaming for the next 50 years.

I love her so much. I love u Chua Pei Wen.
:|

Delusion, The Disorder

Last night or rather this morning, I've only slept for 1.5 hours. Consequences of severe depression that lead to chronic insomnia. What have I been doing? The drive to Penang today was almost an endless journey requiring me to have stopped for two short naps. The drive overall took 5 hours today which I normally only take only 3.5 hours.

Back to this morning sleep, although it was a short 90 minutes sleep, it has brought some happiness in me. At the very least delusional happiness. At that very moment, I really wished that I do not need to wake up and continue wrapped in the delusional image of my mind. At least, it was far better than reality. I dreamt that she accepted me back. Something that will never happen in reality.

I've known for the fact that I exhibit strong symptoms of delusional disorder. Living alone in my newly house (which my plan to be OUR home) has further sink me deep into the delusional world of my own. I just love her too much. I've always believed love and obsession have very clear cut definition to keep them apart. It was just pure love.

I've seen her posting in Facebook over the past few weeks and I'm happy to see how much she is enjoying life without me attached. The true freedom of what most people called. But, nobody knows how much I suffer. Such painful suffering resulted to insomnia, depression, denial, and delusional disorder. I knew very Mich earlier that I will go through and stuck in this for the rest of my life. But, what can I do? I love her.

I still love her until today. And always.

Apocalypse

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

              The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

Very often, victimization is the consequence from a negative impact, 'Apocalypse'. Has this changed my life? Have I accepted the fact of this fall? I may have accepted but some things have not change over time. My love for her. Whatever happened, whatever changes that I will face, the love has been there ever since day one. But its all just too late for her to know. She have decided. A decision that will change both our life.

I'm doing things I wouldn't have done in the past. I'm just not being myself. The ghost in me has surfaced. The road I would not have taken.

The Sorry to the World

You can smile and pretend to everyone that you're happy... but deep inside is a strong feeling of sadness living within.

                                               Jaymie Gassner

Days gone by so quickly. What have I been doing in this period of what I called as depression? What had I gained?

Clearly, I was the very least to being myself. I've been doing things I don't do. Drinking daily, strong attraction to negative influence and removing myself from the social circle of the others. Things have changed. I seriously do not know what am I doing.

Job wise, I've been doing the very least I can to call it a day. Job duty were delayed, communication broke down, procrastination, and not getting things done on time. I'm feeling very sorry for my colleagues and superior.

Leaving her was not my choice. Leaving her is a choice I had to make because I love her very much.

The Red Light of Intervention

It has been a week since I last posted. Things had been happening in these past few days of uninformed. She was away from town for the weekend. I, was as usual in my lonely hut 16 floors above the sky. Yes, 16 floors, capable of suiciding to many.

I've been trying really hard to move on and changed to a better man as promised. But things weren't seem that easy. Many things or rather things I did not wish to happen happened during these missing days. I've now an official alcoholic, soon to be smoker and possibly addiction to sedative. Fortunately, no drugs involved, or rather, yet. Things has not been moving upwards as it seems like I've been trying to project myself to. Nobody knows.

Things happened for a reason. Today I've came to a point that I can no longer move on normally in life be it my social or love life. I've been loving her so much, something that she will not know. It has been exactly two months since I last faced her. Exactly a month before her birthday and now exactly a month after her birthday. The very moment when I took extra glimpse of her before leaving her shadow from her house that very night.

Yes, it was emotional but it was also something that I've expected to be truthful. She doesn't love me anymore. Not anymore. I'm very gladful now that she has all the freedom pursuing her love life she always wanted.

Buried. The term that defines my love now. Buried with memories and emotions. No more love it is. A stop into any love relationship for now, and forever. Love has dissapointed me.

The day I last love, 09/04/2014

The Chinese Renminbi Keeper

Today as I walked passed the money changer near the ever buzy escalator in the lower ground of Mid Valley, fond memories went trough my mind again. During the recent months whenever we walked pass any money changer, she would stop me and look through the electronic board by the wall of these money changer. Checking rates from time to time. She has been keeping some Chinese Renminbi ever since her last vacation to China. Always wanted to change but always failed for whatsoever reasons. Maybe its me.

Mid Valley has many fond memories of ours. Although our first meeting was outside her school near the Segambut KTM station, Mid Valley's Tony Roma's steakhouse was our first date in conjunction with our first Valentines Day. Having being a couple for day one, I've brought her to have a blissful meal and a box of Leonidas fine chocolate. I must admit, it was an awkward moment at first. But I do really appreciate that innocent and naive love between us. Every moment since then has been engraved into the memory of mine.

Day 52

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
                                                     Khalil Gibron

If I had to decide, the most painful decision had got to be letting you go with endless love. I leave you is because I still love you. Knowing that I love you even more from seven years ago, all I want was rather straight and simple. Wanting you to be happy. It doesn't take a day to build the great Pyramid of Giza. Likewise, our love was built over a course of shared happy memories.

Maybe it is true when people say that when you love someone, you may not necessary have that someone with you. This is what endless love of no return is all about.

When we love for the sake of love, it transforms us. The sun does not shine on the earth in order for us to give something back. The sun keeps shining relentlessly and selflessly, despite of us and our actions. If we think of love like the nourishment of sunshine, there to give life, to warm us and sustain us, we can more deeply understand the true nature of unconditional love.

A Glimpse of the Missing Piece

The course of true love never did run smooth.
                                      William Shakespeare

It was on the 21st March, I last saw her. Being positioned myself as a hidden camera from the cabin of my friend's car was not what exactly how I wanted it to be. But I do not have a choice. Once a boyfriend and now someone who do not wished to be seen. Its like a free fall from the Burj Khalifa of Dubai.

The moment was an appointment between her and a close friend of mine whom I've trusted to deliver her the birthday present which was 12 days late. A handwritten lengthy letter, a Precious Thots figurine and a beautiful framed portrait of us in sketch were the presents that I've kept long enough before passing her via a friend on that very night.

I miss her from that one glimpse.
A glimpse is all it takes.

A Blog Recontinued

A blog continued from an owner who held to her beliefs that love never die. Yes, Clementine it is.

I, being a man with no desire at this point of time had a life of difficult past, or at the very least when it comes to love.. It has been a long 48 days since I last met her or even last heard her voice. She had been the angel for many years in my past and 4 dozen of days of not meeting was the longest in past 7 years of courtship. I miss her.

The past wasn't difficult when love flourished years ago with the arrangement of God to bring a pair of innocent but lovely mortals together. It has been the best journey and the best phase of my life having her around to go through time together, laughter, joy, loving moments, minimal arguments, and of course some difficult moments. I appreciate all them all whether is it the positive or vise versa. These experiences had brought us to who we are with my love for her having to grow taller day by day.

There is a saying that action proves it all.
But not always the case. My actions did not clearly prove what I've always meant since day one. I can love her from the bottom of my heart, but my actions may not exhibit it to the fullest. Yes, I know it's sad, very sad.

Life was not all difficult. I had the best moment with her.

Let me keep this starter short. Thanks for reading this post. The first post after this lovely blog recontinue today.

Love Never Dies, Celementine