Suffering in the Deep

It has been almost four months and many do not know how much I am suffering. Neither do I want people to know.

I do admit I was not emotionally stable over the months. Many things happened and I was not myself anymore. The 'me' has now gone. So much of quarrel, and grieveness in between. I've just quarelled with my family. Although it was something I least or rather not expected, I wasn't being myself anymore. I do not know what will I be in the near future or the future ahead of now. But things just doesn't favor myself. It is not something I can control.

I've also been isolating myself. Friends and family are the closest to me but they are not me. I've always treated her as the person closest to me. The person whom I can trust most. But it all ended this way. What can I do now. Four months will pass. Time will not cure me. I love her from my heart.

Things seems to be going fine with her. She has been going to places we don't usually go in the past. She is moving on with life. I'm happy for that. I really wish her the best in life. Her happiness. Her future. But at the same time, I am greatly depressed. Just very depressing.

She has always made remarks that she can handle everything by herself and she is capable of doing things on her own. Words of these were often conveyed to me in a loudly manner. All the time, she thinks that I often look down on her and she must rely on me in everything. Why is that so? Why does she always think this way? I'm helping her with life is not because i think she cant handle stuff. But rather, I want to ease her life in certain ways. I do let her do things on her own. But everything that happened conveyed the wrong perception of my words and actions. Once again, I am depressed.

My emotional stability and depression has certainly affected in many ways. Both family and work. Ultimately, my life. Worst case scenario is that I will lose my job and depart from family and friends. I am greatly depressed. I've lost hope. I do not know what love is now.

The sad truth.

Viva Forever

Everyday has a mood of it's own. Today's weather best represent my mood.

Yesterday was a big day. Hours before bedtime was a big relief. It was her VIVA yesterday. A day when most students go through at the very end of their university life. Finay year project presentation it is. I always had faith that she will present well and she did. Updates told me she handled the session well. It was a relief to her, and me.

One thing I've been very sad with was that I did not held long enough to see her graduating. Knowing her since her early schooling days, I've always dreaming of her graduating in every phase of education.

I've been to all her school supporting her by sending her home. Except the primary school. Skipping lunch to send her home was the best lunch time I could have last time. Packing her lunch and eating in the car. I know she enjoyed those moment. But it was the past. Nostalgic, faded and gone.

Seeing her graduating was the nearest future I can see how we can develope. But, with the greatest regret, I can only wish for her best. I love her more than ever.

A Hope Lost, One New Wish

Naive, I would think I am.

My perception of love is just simple. Loving someone from the bottom of the heart is what I've always believed. I've always mentioned that I will be her guardian angel. But how much does she felt that from me?

Today, as I switched on the television, a drama was airing featuring a Triangel. A guardian of love originated from Rome, Italy that tells a legendary love story. I bought the Triangel simply to guard our love. An icon of our love. Just call me naive if you wish too. I've no more ego to deny such action.

Somehow the handmade doll was crafted to have an expression of innocence and insecurity. A doll that can convey my love to her. But, fairy tales do not exist.

I've passed the Triangel to her for Valentine's 2014 with a picture of us taken in Grand Dorsett hotel on Valentine's 2013. But it never came back with the owner.

Triangel is often passed on to person in need of love. A symbol to find our secure love. At the state as it is now, Triangel is better with her. I've seriously lost hope in love and Triangel will do nothing to me. Letting it go also means that I do hope the best for her love life.

No more love in this world. Question whether I can recover from this? I believe it's a no. Not everyone's life is the same. I've chosen this path. The rest of my life is a living in disguise.

Guard and protect her love. My only wish to you, Triangel.

Days at the Eastern Coast

When people say the sun rises at the East, it is not always true. Today, the sun did not rise, or at least here in Kuantan.

My first Malay Peninsular East Coast getaway with her was in Kuantan. I was on a business trip while she followed her dad and sister who so happened to be there for work too. It was a coincidence of working schedule here in Kuantan.

I remember every moment of her being here with me when I checked them in to Vistana Hotel of Kuantan. From dinner at a local foodcourt to a stroll along the beach of Teluk Cempedak. Everything happened during a short period of time but was very much appreciated by me at that very moment. At least, I know.

Today, weather in Kuantan has been a gloomy one. It is as if the mother nature is mourning the loss of someone or something. Things have changed and will never return to its glory days. The moment and joy we had that she had forgotten. Or rather, she has chose to forget.

Obsession, Sentimental or NO?

She has always ran through my mind without fail although a quarter of a year had gone by. From time to time, questions like "Why do I still think about her?", "Why can't I just let her go?" pop up from my mind in response to end the suffering and state of denial that I am currently facing. Was it because of my obsession towards her? or Was it because it was merely a sentimental 7 years memory that must be kept?

When these questions came by, I do realize that the answer was very simple. I love her 101% from the deep of my heart. I came to realized that love is not comparable to obsession. The nostalgic moments we went through was part of the process of two love birds together. It was a journey.

Hence, I was very sure to say that I love her and that's the only reason I am not forgetting her. The love of my life. How do men live when the heart is gone?

The Bell of My Dream

She has accepted my proposal. I am so happy that I've been the chosen one. The guy taking care of her and protect her. Although busy, but we do enjoy the process of getting plans ready for the big day. It was a dream come true for the both of us.

Then, I've also bought a new car. Taking the car round and round the neighbourhood with her and family members in the newly bought car. It was a Proton Preve. Don't ask me why Proton. But nevertheless, the happiness during that moment was the peak of my life. I've felt that everything was with me. Very importantly, I have her. The girl that I've so committed in love and care.

BUT, it was merely a dream. Waking up to a moody morning, I stared to the mirror across my bed. She has left me. Me wanting to express words from the bottom of my heart, has now no chance and months too late.

I miss her.
I love her.

The one and only I love.