Suffering in the Deep

It has been almost four months and many do not know how much I am suffering. Neither do I want people to know.

I do admit I was not emotionally stable over the months. Many things happened and I was not myself anymore. The 'me' has now gone. So much of quarrel, and grieveness in between. I've just quarelled with my family. Although it was something I least or rather not expected, I wasn't being myself anymore. I do not know what will I be in the near future or the future ahead of now. But things just doesn't favor myself. It is not something I can control.

I've also been isolating myself. Friends and family are the closest to me but they are not me. I've always treated her as the person closest to me. The person whom I can trust most. But it all ended this way. What can I do now. Four months will pass. Time will not cure me. I love her from my heart.

Things seems to be going fine with her. She has been going to places we don't usually go in the past. She is moving on with life. I'm happy for that. I really wish her the best in life. Her happiness. Her future. But at the same time, I am greatly depressed. Just very depressing.

She has always made remarks that she can handle everything by herself and she is capable of doing things on her own. Words of these were often conveyed to me in a loudly manner. All the time, she thinks that I often look down on her and she must rely on me in everything. Why is that so? Why does she always think this way? I'm helping her with life is not because i think she cant handle stuff. But rather, I want to ease her life in certain ways. I do let her do things on her own. But everything that happened conveyed the wrong perception of my words and actions. Once again, I am depressed.

My emotional stability and depression has certainly affected in many ways. Both family and work. Ultimately, my life. Worst case scenario is that I will lose my job and depart from family and friends. I am greatly depressed. I've lost hope. I do not know what love is now.

The sad truth.